Birthdays are Bittersweet

Yesterday was my birthday! September 9th…I won’t mention the year.

For most people birthdays are a time for fun and celebration. It’s a happy time to get together with friends family and loved ones and celebrate life. I get it.

For me, birthdays are bittersweet. For one aging or getting older is not really that exciting — I’m sorry y’all, it’s just not. It’s more like ugh but nonetheless I am thankful because the opposite of getting old is the obvious.

Tragically birthdays for me are reminders of heartache and trauma. For those who don’t know my full story yet, back many moons ago my fiancé was murdered — on my birthday. Words can’t describe how much I adored this man and to this day that nightmare has been one of the most difficult and hardest times of my life to overcome. Imagine going from planning a Caribbean oceanside wedding to a funeral. Even though it has been years now, the grief is still completely overbearing at times. Each year I try to ignore the thoughts and anxiety but the trauma is still in there. It creeps up and usually by the time my actual birthday hits I am a crying mess. I’ve literally spent whole birthdays crying my eyeballs out in sadness. I guess this burden will be for life, it’s mine to bear…especially since it happened on the most memorable days of my life. I give thanks that it does get a little more tolerable with time but I really don’t think it will ever fully go away, the love was just too real.

I plan to open up more about the events leading up to and after his death in my upcoming book. As hard as the situation was and as devastating as it was it really shaped me into a strong ass woman. It grew me up overnight and I learned firsthand how fragile life is. To quote the legends UGK: “One day you’re here baby and then you’re gone.”

This year I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I am getting back living and actually enjoying being alive, not just surviving. I promised myself that I will be more forgiving of my past and loving to myself in order to use my pain for a profound purpose. It sounds so cliche but it’s really the superior path to healing. I’ve spent a lot of valuable time in grief and disbelief. For years I isolated myself and fought with my demons alone but now I’m ready to get back to life. I can’t spend all my time left being pissed, hurt, mad & sad. I need my happy back and more importantly I need alot of love back. I’m finally entering my soft girl era and I’m enjoying it because for so long I was as hard as penitentiary bars.

With all that being said — cheers to more life and more love! I am here for it all. Onward and upward.

(Unfortunately) not only am I older… but fortunately now I am also stronger and definitely wiser. I plan to embrace this new chapter. Stay tuned for the whole book, it’s coming soon.

Love, Bee.