Ask Bee

ASK BEE: My best friend’s fiancé tried to put the moves on me behind her back.

  

Dear Bee- 

My best friend and I have been inseparable since high school. We shared everything from clothes, shoes and even makeup –but never men. She has been dating her current for about 2 years and at first I really liked him and encouraged their fast love budding relationship. As time progressed, I started to see some of the disrespectful things he was doing behind my friend’s back but I never really got into their business because I didn’t want to risk our friendship. I kept my opinions and observations to myself, in hopes that she would one day open up the conversation, then I would tell all.

One night while I was out with some other friends I bumped into my best friend’s boyfriend at a local nightclub. He had clearly had too much to drink and he awkwardly began confessing to me how he “always thought I was sexy” as if I was supposed to feel honored. I scoffed at his advances and threatened to tell my best friend, but he assured me that she wouldn’t believe me because he had her in his words, “in her place”. Later that night after the club I spotted him KISSING another female who had just by chance happened to be parked by my car. I couldn’t hold it any longer and when I went to confront him the female acted as if he was her man and that they had been dating each other for a while. 

I am devastated for my friend who is planning to marry this guy next year. She honestly thinks he is a good guy and would never do these kinds of things to her. Boy is she wrong! 

Should I tell my bestie that her man is a no good cheater or should I keep quiet, act like none of this has happened and let her see who this guy is for herself?

Please tell me what I should do! Time is running out!

Signed-

Faithful Friend


Dear Faithful Friend-

Let me just start off by saying that relationship drama is always messy, especially when it involves close friends. As part of the “girl code” we want to protect our friends. We don’t want to see our friends hurt, especially by some guy!

It sounds like your friend has not fully come to terms the fact that her man is up to no good. So many times before I have attempted to forewarn friends of their men’s shady ways only to have it backfire and be rejected as if I had done something wrong by telling my friend the truth. And here’s the thing, they rarely immediately leave him anyway. Then guess who’s the bad guy? YOU. With that, I have learned over the years to hold my tongue unless it is a life or death scenario.

In your case, I think you have done the right thing by staying neutral in terms of your friend’s relationship and minding your own business. As part of the girl code it is almost impossible to hold this kind of information in, but honestly and (sadly) truthfully it may be best for the sake of your friendship, especially if your friend is not receptive to any truths about her man’s sideline shenanigans. Some women don’t want to know (or openly admit) the truth and they will even alienate anyone who tries to get in the way of their “perceived” fairytale. Sad but often true. I am victim. 

As far as him confessing his secret crush on you, I would take that with a grain of salt. Men often do all sorts of strange things to test the waters, whether it’s for a reaction or to satisfy sick fantasies and/or egos. Men love a challenge. I wouldn’t feed into his advances or even grant him the satisfaction of a response. However, what I would do is respectfully confront him the next time you see him, (preferably when he’s sober). Pull him to the side and respectfully let him know that you didn’t appreciate his advances and if he tried it again then you would make a big deal of it – whether she believes you or not. Maybe the “warning shots” will be enough to make him stay in his lane or at best–recognize you’re not there for his sick twisted bullsh-t!

One day when you and your friend are able to open up and have honest dialogue about this guy, I would first tell her how horrible it felt to hold that information in and then find out how she would prefer for you to handle that kind of situation (if it were to ever occur) in the future. 

Let her know the real reason you didn’t get into her relationship business is because you didn’t want to jeopardize your friendship with her and that she didn’t seem open to hearing the info at the time. Reinforce that you were waiting to talk about it as soon she was ready to listen. Doing it this way is a huge gamble as she may react by questioning your loyalty to her as a friend, but hopefully she will respect your reasoning. Friendships are like relationships you have to work on them. Open communication is always a great start. 

With that being said, I have learned with friends to speak on certain things and when to remain quiet (for the moment). If she’s really a friend, you WILL be able to talk about all of this openly one day, probably soon. –Most likely during their breakup! (Hopefully before the wedding)…  

Always remember, relationships may come and go but real girlfriends last forever! In the end she’ll probably respect you. Or maybe not. It’s a gamble but….

I know you’ve heard the old saying “It is better to be quiet and right then loud & wrong”…

Love — Bee 

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