What You Missed While Not Watching the CNN Republican Debate

TIME

-1 minutes. Ball is in your court CNN. Show us what you got. Fox News won 24 million viewers in the first GOP debate. They went two hours in the main event. Grilled 10 people. It was yoooge. Can CNN boss Jeff Zucker top Fox News boss Roger Ailes? Can Jake Tapper match Megyn Kelly? In cable news there can be only one top dog.

0 minutes. The camera swings wide to show a giant blue and white phallus. It’s Reagan’s Air Force One arrayed behind 11 candidates on stage. CNN means business. Host Tapper says, “Anything can happen over the next few hours.” By “few” he means three. Is Zucker mad? Aren’t there union work rules? Don’t these candidates get to pee? Tapper says he wants “a true debate with candidates addressing each other.” This is Thunderdome. Zucker is showing America a real boss. To top it…

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